I recently flew JFK to Israel and back on Aerosvit Airlines. Aerosvit, what’s that? That band with the singer with the really big lips? Alas, no. A budget Ukranian airline.
(Yeah, I didn’t know they had planes in the Ukraine either.)
Now, we all know I am cheap, and will often cut corners to save a few bucks. But, I can promise you I will never fly Aeroshit airlines again. Here’s why.
1. There are no movies.
Yup, you read that right. NO movies. On a 10-hour flight. Just screaming babies and snoring babushkas.
We are back in the 1960s, sans the glamorous flight attendants and ability to chain smoke cigarettes. That is a clear violation of human rights, and you probably don’t even need to read the rest of the reasons to know why you should count this airline out.
2. They don’t serve wine.
This needs no explanation. Oh, but their paper cups of concentrated juice (that, um, don’t come with the can – what??) must be an acceptable substitute, right? WRONG.
3. The food is awful.
The food is bad, even for airline food. Unfortunately, food quality is not the only problem. For one, they serve the “drinks” (the aforementioned cups of juice) a good 30 minutes before the meal. Are we supposed to sit, stare at, and not drink our kiddie cups for the half hour before our food comes?
Secondly, we received the EXACT same meal twice. I really wish I were joking. To be fair, I was randomly signed up for the Kosher meal, and maybe they didn’t have a wide selection of Jewstastic options.
Butttt, my friend with a non-Kosher meal received almost the exact same food as before, only that the fish had been swapped for chicken and noodles for rice. But everything else was identical – same sauce, same sides… same shit.
4. The flight attendants are mean.
But I probably would be if I worked on the world’s worst airline, too. Anyways, though, I don’t really know why you’re still reading.
Because shitty (and free) wine and movies are the only things that make long-haul flights bearable, and I already established their absence in numbers 1 and 2.
5. The planes seem alarmingly out of control.
This is probably because they are from the 1960s. We definitely had a few unpleasant swerves and up-downs (that’s the technical term, I’m sure) on my flights. I think that on all four of our flights, the passengers clapped upon landing.
Though clapping on planes is always unacceptable (humanity’s self-worth dies just a little bit every time it happens), its being a common occurrence on an airline is def not a good sign. There were also ashtrays on one of our planes — which means it had to be old.
Did I mention there aren’t any movies?